Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I am depressed

I have been depressed about this “issue” for quite some time now, intermittently sometime, and sometimes for a longer period. The “issue” is my job. Ever since I joined my present organization which is about 5 years ago, I have not been satisfied. I know that 5 years is just too much time to put with up with a lot of heartburn, but at every stage I had some personal issue which prevented me from changing my job.

Sometimes I begin to wonder if I have become so dormant that I no longer have the urge to even change my “sick condition”. Slowly, very slowly I can feel my self-confidence slip off, my enthusiasm towards anything new wane. I wallow in self pity almost all the time, which saps all positive energy out of me. I don’t look forward to any of the things that I love to do anymore – books don’t interest me, songs seem toneless, everything seems so bland.

I am so sick of my situation. At times I really wonder if I have a mental problem, and that I should get myself treated. I wish I could drop off everything as it is and run off somewhere else.

Even as I write this, I don’t want to publish this in my blog – because this seems just too personal to write. What would the people reading my blog think of me? Won’t my image fall off in their eyes. They might also think of me as a loser – a grumbling person as this friend of mine refers me as (Ms. Polambal). I don’t want to lose the little friendship and goodwill I gained through my blogs.

But then today I care for nothing. I am too depressed for words.

There is a new opportunity in my organization. The higher ups are planning to get a new person for that, plucking somebody off his current work – but when I requested for the same, they refused. That added all the fuel to my anger and frustration.

Amma says that a job is only something that provides me occupation of mind for 8-9 hours, and a paycheck at the end of the month – If I think of it this way, then I need not be worried. I am not a great career minded person – I work for a living and want to do good in the work I do – earn good respect from my colleagues and sleep with a smile at having done something well , in the night. My current job robs me off all of the above, so I am not even able to apply amma’s advice here.

I crossed the 100 blog mark two days ago. When I was at around 95 or so, I was thinking that my 100th blog should be special. All the blogs I visit, the authors have felt so much happiness in writing their 100th blog. And yesterday when I looked up, I saw I had already crossed 100, without my notice.
I am a person who does not forget these small things. But lately this pre-occupation of “the issue” robbed me of this happiness also.

I don’t know if this post even makes sense, but I do feel a small relief writing it all off.

10 comments:

Sowmya said...

hey dear....

good that you put everything out.. i am sure you must be feeling better already. Like I told you many times, ur organization does not know how to make good use to you.. infact you should not be feeling bad about that new opportunity...i hope they realize someday.....

inka , what else..we have sooo many things to talk of ....... your new cell phone :D).. Hope to read about your new cell phone in the next blog ....

Anonymous said...

Hey Vidhya,

Dont be depressed!! Everything will be alright. As your mom said, dont let your job occupy too much of your mind... Recently I started reading your blogs the way you are mentioning your feelings about Fridays.. the drive you have and all about the songs you listen..
( I have also seen your note on Aakulo Akunai song...) remembered all those olden college days back..!! Hmm.. Life goes on.. and when we look back we only see all the good things we have done or all the good experiences we had and then also repent how well we could have spent the past time... But try to apply it to your present..

Look from the eyes of your future how you want your present to be when you think about your past...!!!

Have a wonderful week ahead..!!
- Prasanna

Anonymous said...

This is nothing new I guess.

I too go through these cycles quite a few times. I know a lot of people do go thru the same.

Thought of doing something that I really want to do types..

But then thats always momentary.

Anyways, Today u r in this mood.. But sometimes u as well might have been proud to be there.. I mean, comeon, you cant be at a place for 5 years if it is not good at all.

But anyways, I hope by now u r over it.

If u r bored, go for a drive with ur hubby. This probably would be the best time to get some special attention from him.

By the way, here's a toast from my side to ur 100th blog..

Keep writing.

Vidhya Rajesh said...

$$ Sowmya - Thanks a bunch dear. You are one true support for me always ... even before marriage and now. Your mail theraphy always has helped me :)...

$$ Prasanna - I fell off my chair for once after reading your comment. Is this Putchu? After almost a year we are getting in touch? Thanks for the comforting words. Asalu naaku nee medha chaala koppam ... naaku mail cheyyu chepputhaanu...

$$ Tejas - Thanks a ton buddy for the toast. And yes you are right, I got over it. After all, as you said things never remain the same. I decided to find some other way of keeping myself occupied with +ve thoughts to bide my time.

Venu Nemani said...

Hey Vidhya,

I think I am in the same boat as you are..shall vent my frustations in my next blog.

Venu

Vidhya Rajesh said...

$$ Venu - Welcome to the world of frustrated-employees!You know even as I discuss this with people, I find that almost everybody has some problem or the other, there are only two things to it - the issue is of less importance and you are the kind of person who can live with it, without further affecting your personal life - OR - DO SOMETHING about it !!!! For me the 2nd option seems feasible :) What say ???
And do write a post (or have you already) - beleive me it gives a lot of negative energy let out.

Anonymous said...

Give me your mail address...

-Prasanna

Gomathi Sarma said...

Take one week vacation. do nothing.. get up after you have your complete sleep, have a bubble bath, have ur favorite coffee, read newspaper, wear the best dress you have, do things you like (i like photography and I was trying something in that..) and may be just cook.. that too 2/7 days. remaining days, go to a good restaurant, watch some good movies, and do things like that.

I am doing that right now. I am in town, but not going to work for one week. Oh man.. its just amazing. I just realize that IT has made such a negative impact on me that I forgot to relax even. this week was really great for me, but not just enough. I need more. I think I am now looking for a one month holiday :)

Usha said...

I hope you will find something that offers you the challenge and creativity you need. Wish you all the best! who knows, things may already be at work!Just grab the opportunity when it comes.

Vidhya Rajesh said...

$$ Gomesh - I get tempted to do that myself a lot of time .. the problem with me is that whenever i come back to work after vacation, i feel all the more dreadful :)

$$ Usha - I am still biding my time... Sometimes i become really nasty and lose all hope, sometimes i can convince myself to wait ... Let us see.