I have been depressed about this “issue” for quite some time now, intermittently sometime, and sometimes for a longer period. The “issue” is my job. Ever since I joined my present organization which is about 5 years ago, I have not been satisfied. I know that 5 years is just too much time to put with up with a lot of heartburn, but at every stage I had some personal issue which prevented me from changing my job.
Sometimes I begin to wonder if I have become so dormant that I no longer have the urge to even change my “sick condition”. Slowly, very slowly I can feel my self-confidence slip off, my enthusiasm towards anything new wane. I wallow in self pity almost all the time, which saps all positive energy out of me. I don’t look forward to any of the things that I love to do anymore – books don’t interest me, songs seem toneless, everything seems so bland.
I am so sick of my situation. At times I really wonder if I have a mental problem, and that I should get myself treated. I wish I could drop off everything as it is and run off somewhere else.
Even as I write this, I don’t want to publish this in my blog – because this seems just too personal to write. What would the people reading my blog think of me? Won’t my image fall off in their eyes. They might also think of me as a loser – a grumbling person as this friend of mine refers me as (Ms. Polambal). I don’t want to lose the little friendship and goodwill I gained through my blogs.
But then today I care for nothing. I am too depressed for words.
There is a new opportunity in my organization. The higher ups are planning to get a new person for that, plucking somebody off his current work – but when I requested for the same, they refused. That added all the fuel to my anger and frustration.
Amma says that a job is only something that provides me occupation of mind for 8-9 hours, and a paycheck at the end of the month – If I think of it this way, then I need not be worried. I am not a great career minded person – I work for a living and want to do good in the work I do – earn good respect from my colleagues and sleep with a smile at having done something well , in the night. My current job robs me off all of the above, so I am not even able to apply amma’s advice here.
I crossed the 100 blog mark two days ago. When I was at around 95 or so, I was thinking that my 100th blog should be special. All the blogs I visit, the authors have felt so much happiness in writing their 100th blog. And yesterday when I looked up, I saw I had already crossed 100, without my notice.
I am a person who does not forget these small things. But lately this pre-occupation of “the issue” robbed me of this happiness also.
I don’t know if this post even makes sense, but I do feel a small relief writing it all off.