Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Relationships ....

... These days are no longer simple. Things seem to be getting too deep, personal and complicated. Relationships are getting thickened, the fear of moving apart is causing a gaping hole started to get created, trying to cram as much as possible in the little time available. Conversations dont seem to be wanting to be ended, the seats that are taken dont want to be vacated, excuses are being made to prolong every single discussion... 

What a time to start reading the Sadhguru book that S lent to me.. and it starts off with the topic of Relationships.. Is it a mere coincidence! Though the book did not give me any solution to my dilemna, it set me off thinking.. 

How do I get into relationships knowing that there is always an end to them and then there is pain bound to happen? Yet I keep doing the same thing again and again. It just brings me back to this story that I read somewhere long ago. Guess it is the way I live life - that if I give, I give completely - else I dont - because I feel that there is no better way to live life. R said the same thing today - if you are really into the relationship - then what is the point of not giving yourself completely to it, you are just faking it then. Guess some of us made that way.

Being detached while being attached is an art. But is it a must that I must learn that art? No doubt if I do learn it, I will hurt less. But during that attachment, will I be completely happy ? Should I try it sometime ? Over the years, there have been so many scars, so many gaps in the heart - yet not once it occurs to stop giving pieces away... 

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Change ....

How Strange .... I was going through my last post on 2016 and the very things that had defined happiness is about to be thoroughly tested now. 
A Big change has been declared in the Organization which has ruthlessly split us 'Fabulous Four' and thrown us apart onto different floors and different teams - thus threatening the very foundations of our relationship/friendship. How are we going to come out of this acid test ? .....

Very Successful - I am CONFIDENT! ... 
But like each one of has said this oft and again .. "Things wont be the same anymore". So what? We will create NEW Things .. that will define us! - in a new and enhanced way! 

Tea sessions might be fewer and in different venues - but the laughter will be just as loud and the affection stronger now that we cant just turn our head to find the other person.. 

But yes - things wont be the same...... 

Everyday as I come up the stairs and rummage through that blasted lunch bag (with just one big gaping hole - which is more often than not crammed with dozens of boxes) - except on those uniquely blessed days when I remember to hang the ID card from the side - for my ID card and sashay into the foyer and am about to turn around the glass corner I eagerly wait for my first glimpse of my "eternal laughing buddha" and she would lift her head to follow my path till I reach my desk and would look forward to that expression on my face - which would define that moment - it could be one of a mischief - meaning I have something to tell her that will make her burst into a kaleidoscope of laughter rays - or one of just happiness and glow - or rarely one of exaggerated irritation over something the Mr had done.... 

that ...........
will no longer be there ... 

I dont know if I will have a corner to turn around - I dont know if there will be anybody waiting to acknowledge my entrance , I dont know if there will be anybody to see that each day is a different expression on my face ... no - it wont be the same.... 

Every now and then, something would strike my head - some half baked thought and I would turn to my right and a little doll would immediately roll over towards me.. I wouldnt even have to finish my statements and the understanding light will be in the eyes... It is as if she can read my mind ... and then we would giggle over somethings better left unwritten here and we would always wonder just how similar we are thinking and we can complete each other's statement without having to say it aloud.... 

that ...
hopefully ... will not change... 
if not to my right ... I am okay if it moves to my left ...

Someone would often be in her shell but would have one corner of her eye towards this side - she would gauge the slightest shift of three seats coming together and would within seconds be present by the side ... either to stop us from giggling and discussing further and push it to tea time or to encourage us to continue ... If she has something pressing, she would be so fidgety till she reaches us and give us that one stern look and one pleading request ----- please not now ... just go back and do your work .... There would be times when we couldn't resist disturbing her and would press our emergency 'laugh' button just to pull her towards us ... to share something so absurd that we would all be cackling and "irritating-the-hell" out of the rest of the floor. 

that ...
SIGH! ... ... would no longer be there ...

But of one thing I am confident and do want to make sure will happen. Friendships like these don't come often. It started out of nothing ... and blossomed into one of the most unique piece in each of ours hearts - something that none of us had before... Of course we all have had our fair share of relationships and friends - but this is something so unique as the group in itself... We are going to try our bestest to continue this unique bond we share - to whatever extent this "change" will allow us to... 

Little M's best buddy in school moved away and how easily I was able to soothe her hurt heart by showing her the positive side of life that she will make new friends and though far away her best friend will forever be in her heart.... But now, despite having all the knowledge, years of experience and wisdom in the world,  I am not able to soothe my heart and say the same thing to myself as we all are at the brink of this "change"...